Breaking My Own Rules With Men (Falling for the Bad Guy)
I’m gaining increasing approval for the fact that I’m a masochist. I have always been with men who treated me terribly and in the past I’ve always twisted and contorted myself to be whatever they wanted. I’ve put all of their needs above mine, I’ve made their desires more important than my own. In the end I’ve always felt worthless, meaningless, valueless, and in desperate need of their approval which I never received.
About 6 weeks ago I realized I had a high level of attraction with a particular man I met on adultfrienedfinder. I’d had few experiences going after men based purely on the sensation I felt in my body. I found that even just being in this man’s physical presence made my body tremble and tingle all over. And stating my desires to him and following the sensation in my body felt exciting and satisfying on a very new level. I started to break my rules and let go of my judgments and feel the power in my ability to surrender to him.
Then one day, he tells me about how he’s always wanted to date a model and how he’s never dated the ‘hot girl’. It felt like a sucker punch to my gut. In my mind I’m thinking, 1. I’m not the ‘hot-girl’, 2. He would drop me immediately if he met the ‘hot-girl’, and 3. My feelings are nowhere on his radar right now, so he clearly doesn’t care about me at all. I thought, “oh my god, I’m drawn to an asshole … again”. I immediately dropped into a spiral of: “Why am I always so attracted to men who make me feel not good enough”, “What is wrong with me?”, “Do I still hate myself so much that I’m pulling these men into my life?”
“I should just end it with him,” I thought trying to think of how to protect myself because clearly I desire the wrong men. I tried to just deny the desire I felt for him. Then I’d sit next to him and feel electricity under my skin and feel like my body was betraying me. I felt deviant and fundamentally messed up like when I used thrusting vibrators. I spent a couple days feeling trapped in these old patterns that no matter how much work I’d done and how far I’d come I still couldn’t break this cycle of being inexplicably drawn to men who were “bad for me”.
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